October 7th, 2010
Good morning, elaney readers! Today is the day. Elaney has handed the reigns of her media empire to me, a ridiculously opinionated married man. It’s unclear why she has chosen to bestow this honor on me, but I’ve happily accepted.
Our format today is simple: Q&A. You Q, and I A. Before we begin, however, a caveat: mine are just one man’s opinions. If you think I’ve got it wrong, well… call me out in the comments.
And so, on to our first question:
What does it normally mean if you go on a first date and everything seems to go well enough and he doesn’t call?
This is a great, tough question. I wish an easy answer existed, but it depends on the guy. Maybe he got crushed at work, maybe he experienced a personal tragedy. Perhaps he met somebody else last week. Worse still: he might have talked to his friends about you and heard something he didn’t like.
You could worry—and probably have worried—yourself to death with these permutations. But the scary truth is that you’ll never know… Which leads to the more important (and substantially more controversial) point: girls inadvertently reward a guy’s under-communication in this situation.
Personally, I believe it’s incumbent on the guy to provide an explanation for ending things if you’ve been on more than two dates. BUT, and this is a very strong but, you aren’t allowed to get mad at him if he tells you a painful truth.
I’ve seen this too often: girl and guy go out. All is well. Guy decides he doesn’t like girl and tells her so. She asks why, he says, “You make a weird clicking sound when you chew and it’s driving me crazy.” Or, “I thought you were pretty, but it turns out that you’re annoying.” Our ladyfriend gets hurt feelings, her friends hate him, and everyone in a five mile radius is forbidden from dating him.
If you were the guy in the this situation, and if you knew the scorched-earth outcome of your honesty, would you call her up and tell her why you’re ending it? Absolutely not. You’re not an idiot. You know you’ll be punished for your honesty, so you keep silent.
I, however, think the girl and her friends should applaud this guy’s unkind candor, and under no circumstances should he be black-balled. Why? Because it took integrity for him to own his feelings and guts to communicate those feelings to the girl.
Consider the alternative scenario, where the guy remains silent: the girl and her friends don’t get mad because they’re hoping he’ll call tomorrow. Perversely, the guy is rewarded for the very silence that gave rise to this reader’s question. Our lonely lady and her friends should be irate at his cowardice.
Moral of the story: Guys owe it to girls to tell them why they’re not interested after two dates. Girls owe it to themselves and to guys to stay calm and be grateful for his tough love.
Guys, is this about right? Or am I too dry after years out of the dating pool? Girls, what do you think about all this? Have you fallen prey to the temptation described above? As always, feel free to ask any follow-up questions in the comments; if you’ve got unrelated questions you want answered, put ‘em in the comments, too!