July 10th, 2009
elaney Answers notonthephone’s Dating Questions
how about “solving the text message/email centered relationship conundrum?” what is with technology obsessed boys that hide behind their blackberries and dont take girls on real dates or make actual phone calls anymore? is this okay?
Well, sometimes you just have to lay it out there, so here we go. The short answer is no. Now, everyone has their own code, but this is what we think (feel free to share your comments):
1. A guy needs to call you if he wants to take you on a date. If he doesn’t call, it means he doesn’t really care or that he’s not that interested. Like your momma told you, if a guy likes you, he calls. [sidebar: It is not okay for a girl to call a guy (unless returning a phone call) into well into a relationship.]
2. YES! Guys need to take girls on dates, and if a guy doesn’t take you on a proper date (if you are in your twenties), ladies – don’t humor his text message courtship.
3. It is okay for a guy to email to try to get to know a girl, but it is not an acceptable way to ask a girl on a date. If it is a second date (or later), you can ask a girl on a date via email if you have tried to call and ended up playing phone tag.
4. Text message / facebook / gchat are not acceptable ways to ask someone out. Not only does it make the girl feel like you are not worth the cost of the mani / pedi and spray tan, it’s incredibly difficult to decipher your intentions. Plus, it makes you look insecure.
5. Guys have all the initiating power. Period. So if a guy takes a girl out, we think it’s appropriate for the guy to be intentional and act interested.
Okay readers – let’s hear your thoughts!
19 Comments
July 10th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Also like to share this quote from a reader, “Not that I feel I am a dating whiz by any means, but…I have A LOT to say about this too. I got really fired up when I saw that post! Texting, emailing, twittering, facebooking, etc. are all completely unacceptable ways to ask a girl out/ date them. Guys are just lazy and do not know how to properly court a girl. If a guy likes a girl and wants to ask said girl out….they need to man-up, pick-up the phone and call (or do it in person). Bottomline, they need to USE THIER VOICES!!” – anon
July 10th, 2009 at 10:07 am
thanks for the emails – grammar error corrected
July 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Here’s the guy perspective:
I don’t think many men, perhaps excluding those under 21, will argue that face-to-face/over-the-phone communication is the way to ask a girl on a date. HOWEVER, elaney’s point #3 bears emphasis. Men text/facebook/email at the early stages because they don’t want to come on too strongly and because they want more information.
For example: Man Y meets girl X at social event. Y asks for X’s number. This is a key interest indicator; unless he doesn’t have his phone or another way to take X’s number, he’s not truly interested in X unless he asks for her number. What next? Perhaps Y thinks he and X really connected, so he calls. If he’s really feeling it, he’ll ask her out on that call. This is ideal.
On the other hand, Y may recall from experience that being too interested too fast leads to failure (nice guys don’t just finish last, they get labeled as “creepers”). It is likely that both X and Y will want to get to know each other some more before committing time and/or money to a date. This is where text messaging, email, and facebook come into play.
Y will use indirect forms of communication because it allows him to show interest without showing too much. Simultaneously, indirect communication is a way for Y (and X) to do “reconnaissance.” The information Y gleans will help him decide a) if he is really interested, and b) what kind of date X would say “yes” to?
Of course, if after a reasonable period of time Y has not called, X may conclude that Y decided he was not interested, or that he was only interested in…
July 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Correction to first sentence: “men . . . will argue . . . [isn't] the way . . .”
July 10th, 2009 at 11:32 am
amen, elaney.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Drofnib: points taken, however, I still strongly believe that there are ways for males & females to get to know one another without having to rely on indirect/impersonal forms of communication and which do not make the male come across as a “creeper.” Asking a girl to have cup of coffee at Starbucks will not break the bank nor does it require a huge time commitment. It will, however, show that you are interested and courteous/ respectful enough to give her a hour of your time (versus the 15 seconds it took you to send a text message or e-mail…). Yes?
July 10th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Drofnib – thank you for your guy’s perspective. it is not at all creepy for a guy to call you and ask you for a casual date to get to know you better. 1. it makes you feel good 2. you get to buy a new outfit 3. it makes the guy come across as confident and natural and it is the most attractive way for a guy to handle the situation. coming on too strong is defined as calling all the time, calling before a date, calling after a date, texting, facebooking, emailing, talking about it to other people – a simple call and date is not.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
anon – you are speaking our language
July 10th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
agree w all of the above. but it’s usually pretty easy to tell if a guy’s into you – if he is, then he calls. if he’s not, he doesn’t. right? if he’s texting/facebooking/emailing, you’re probably not the only girl he’s talking to…
July 10th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Any guy who begins the process of getting to know me via fb, text, email, etc., begins the process of becoming my friend and nothing more. Ever. Make the phone call. Make the date. Unless you want me to introduce you as, “This is ‘Y’, he’s kind of like my brother!”
July 10th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Nice post elaney! And I agree with Melby “you’re probably not the only girl he’s talking to…” So true.
I tell my little brother that it’s okay to text/email/facebook etc. But when it comes down to a girl he seriously likes then he must ask her out several days in advance (by Wed for the weekend), call her on the phone to do this, and have a freakin’ plan before he goes to pick her up. Oh, and clean his car, teeth, clothes etc. but hopefully the average guy knows at least that much…
July 10th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I have a friend who was asked out via text for the first date. She didn’t respond to his text, thus letting him know that this was an unacceptable way to ask her out- especially for the 1st date. An hour later, and anxious to get her to agree, he called and she accepted. They dated happily ever after (sans text messages) are now married and expecting their first child.
July 10th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Great post elaney!! I agree with Melby too…
Rule of thumb: if a guy doesn’t call you within a week, it’s time to move on. Stop thinking about him because he obviously isn’t thinking about you.
July 10th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I did not mean to imply that there was no middle ground between texting and creepersville. Group dates, coffee dates, and the like are great ways to get to know someone. But y’all are writing from the standpoint of a girl who wants to be called. That’s a very important qualifier.
What I wrote supports what elaney originally said; if a guy is into a girl and wants to go on a date, he’ll call. I also was suggesting, however, that if I guy does not call right away, it might not only be because he’s not interested. He could still be gauging his interest, OR he could simply not realize that you want him to call. Remember, men are rational, but not intuitive.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Great job eLaney! I totally agree!!! I’ve definitely had my share of experiences with guys using technology to confuse you! I have to say I have accepted those text dates and none of them worked out.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Great comment – I want my teenage daughters to get your blog!
July 13th, 2009 at 11:40 am
If you would be happy to reply in the affirmative to: “will u mry me?” then I say sure, accept the date via facetwitxt!
July 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Drofnib – Isn’t the purpose of a date to get to know someone? Man up and ask a girl out. If you’re not interested in her after the date, don’t ask her out again. It’s disrespectful to hunt for information about her instead of asking her if you can spend time with her to get to know that information first hand and in person.
Elaney – Keep on keepin on.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
thank you thank you thank you… sending this link to sooo many girlfriends!
Leave a Reply